Tanya and Hiccup
Wow, she's gonna talk about the surrogacy AGAIN? Yes I AM!
I want to talk about Tanya this time, tho. I've been thinking lately how we've sort of drifted apart. This isn't really a good thing considering how much she was there for me throughout MY surrogacy. When I was pregnant, not very many days went by that I didn't speak or chat with her. Most days we actually went out and did stuff, too. As the pregnancy ended, we grew closer and closer.
When Hiccup arrived.. and when he left, she was my rock. She was my support. There was no one else in the world who understood how I felt, what I wanted, what I needed, what I was going through.. except her. In the hospital, when I was savoring my private time with Hiccup, nursing him at my breast, I wouldn't.. couldn't... allow anyone else in the room to share these times with us.. but her. She stood at my shoulder many times and stroked his cheek while he suckled away. She stood there and commented on his beauty.. and it felt right. I was happy to share those times.. and Hiccup... with her.
When my heart was breaking when I was saying goodbye to him, her heart was breaking right along with it. Nobody in this entire world could ever, EVER love him or know him as well as I did.. except for Tanya. While Rick and Jo are his parents, and love him for that, Tanya loves him for completely different reasons. She loves him because he is Hiccup.. and he has grown his way into her heart as he grew into mine.. from my belly.
Hiccup and Tanya bonded while he was still in my belly. Aside from myself, nobody touched him, talked to him, and prodded at him as much as Tanya. She treated him.. and my belly.. like it was her own. This is proof that she loves him as much as I do. It's proof that she misses him almost as much as I do, but more than anyone else in the world, next to me.
I know.. if something were to happen to me or if I were to die before Hiccup came to find me, Tanya would take my place. Tanya could tell him all the stories of how he made me laugh while he was in my belly. She would tell him how much I loved him before he was born and how much he meant to me before I birthed him into this world. She would tell him how he got his nickname and just how strong his hiccups were.
She would tell him how excited I was when I knew he was on the way. She would tell him how we screamed and jumped up and down, in a state of pure disbelief. She will tell him stories of how he looked, snuggled into me, nursing contentedly.
She would tell him about the tears I shed at letting him go. She would tell him everything, she would answer any question he asked with the same words that would come out of my mouth. She wouldn't keep anything from him, just as I wouldn't. She would go on to love him.. as a mother figure.. for the rest of their lives.
Now Tanya is pregnant with her surrobaby. As much as I would love.. absolutely LOVE and CHERISH the opportunity to bond with Adeline as Tanya has bonded with Hiccup, I'm having a very hard time. I find myself just distancing myself from both of them more and more every day.
I don't do it intentionally. It's not jealousy that draws me away. It's this huge mix of emotions, one I can't put into words. I know part of me doesn't want to bond with Addy, knowing I might never see her again but that makes no sense. I bonded with Hiccup knowing this, and wouldn't change it for the world. I learned, tho.. just how painful bonding with him was. Can I go through that amount of pain again? I hope so.. and I wish so. Truly. Addy deserves to have someone love her, secondly, under Tanya, just as much as Hiccup has Tanya to love him.
I know how proud I am of my sister and how well she held her head up through the pain of Hiccup's birth and the days after. I know that inside her heart was breaking just as much as mine, but she held in her pain and put mine first. When I needed her to cry with me, she did. When I needed to cry alone and listen to her advice, she had it to offer always.
I hope, with everything Hiccup means to me, that I can be there for her as she goes through many of the same emotions I went through. I'm trying, I truly am.
I find myself ashamed of myself and feeling like I am a selfish bitch.
flyinwowings wrote on 2004-03-28 at 5:12 p.m.
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